Gross ignorance: 144 blondes.

A gentleman: someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

Drummer: someone who hangs out with musicians.

Shin Bone: a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A Balanced Diet: a cookie in each hand.

Good Housekeeping: when you divorce keep the house.

Fine: a tax for doing wrong. Tax: a fine for doing well.

Professor: one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Fashion Sense: never wearing anything that panics the cat.

Junk: Something you keep for years then throw away three weeks before you need it.

Mixed feelings: when your mother-in-law drives your new car over a cliff.

Happiness: driving over a traffic warden.

Lecture: a method of conveying data from a lecturer's notes to a student's notes without it passing through the mind of either.

Suicide: the strictest form of self-criticism.

Art: what you can get away with.

Labour in power: a government that gives everyone a headache, then supplies free aspirins.

Conservatives in power: A government that charges for the aspirins.

Inflation: being broke with a wallet full of money.

Gossip: hearing something you like about someone you know.

Poise: lifting the eyebrow instead of the roof.

Intellectual: one who visits a museum when it isn't raining.

Intellectual: one who uses more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.

Tact: a talent for describing others as they see themselves.

Argument: two people trying to get the last word in first.

Etiquette: knowing which fingers to stick in the mouth when whistling for the waiter.

Confidence: what you feel before you know better.